Keep on Keepin' on
Hints of spring, all the illnesses, my beloved trail, and edited novels.
Weekly Musings:
We’re in that confusing era of time where the weather can’t make up its mind. We get threats of ice storms and the kids are still called out of school even when it turns out to be its less malevolent sibling—the rain. The next day, the sun is shining and there’s no point in donning a jacket in between the school drop-off and grocery store runs. I feel like I’m in the middle of some existential crisis that nature has with itself and it only gets worse with time.
Last winter was a joke. My kids barely used their sleds. This year, the temps were so cold and it snowed more times than I’d like to admit. I’m not complaining. It’s just weird, no?
As sure as the weather began to change, the illnesses started to spread like rapid-fire. Our household was cruising November through January. I almost wanted to brag, but I believe in karma too much. Alas, February came and so did the shitstorms. My son got a nasty cold that we thought maybe was the flu. It wasn’t, but still. Two weeks later, my daughter came down with a stomach bug and we all held our breaths, just waiting for someone else in the house to start up with it. It never happened. A week later, my son came down with strep throat. His throat burned, his body ached, his tummy hurt like hell, he lost his appetite and his attitude raged. Then came the vomiting. Surely, we couldn’t all have enough good fortune that we’d escape this one, too. My husband came down with what seems to be the flu. I on the other hand, have managed to dodge it all. For now.
I’m not bragging. I promise. I’m humbled.
My son fell asleep on me after his second night in a row of insisting he sleep in my bed. I’m usually fine with this when they’re sick. I like to keep an eye on them throughout the night, so it works. He asked to cuddle, then curled up on my lap while I read. A few minutes in and he was snoring. So I left him go for an hour, until my ass went numb and I had finally finished my book. It’s rare that he falls asleep on me anymore.
He was the kind of baby that used to wail if I tried to lay him in his crib. He just wanted to lay on me and nurse while I rocked him. Those days were exhausting, but I miss them all the time. When he couldn’t sleep without being pinned to me and my exhaustion hit its peak, I turned to Taking Cara Babies. Essentially, it’s the cry-it-out method, but you go into their room every few minutes to console them, each time extending those minutes longer and longer. It’s less harsh than sticking them in a room alone and leaving, letting them cry and until they can’t take it anymore and then they just fall asleep, nervous system wrecked.
This method involves a constant reassurance that they’re not alone, you’re right outside, but no, you will not pick them up. It’s not for the faint of heart and if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t do it. I would just let him co-sleep with me until he didn’t need to anymore. But when you’re a tired momma and lack of sleep is steering everything you do, you do what you have to. Anyway, he fell asleep on me the other night and I loved every second of it. Even after I moved him to his side of the bed so I could wash my face and brush my teeth, I had regrets. The mom guilt is endless.
I managed to get back on my beloved trail at the beginning of last week and I didn’t leave it for a solid two hours. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away. Except, my husband and son did when they surprised me as I neared the end. Nothing brought me more joy than looking up and seeing my son running toward me with his blue rain boots and little green coat bobbing along.
My husband was annoyed to learn that the pepper spray he bought me was safely tucked away in the car. What good is it doing in there, he wanted to know. I have no excuse except, if it’s not in front of me, it doesn’t exist. This is why I make lists. I will forget everything unless I write it down. I guess this is good, in a way. I’m completely present. Just not good in the way that it took me precisely a decade to get my neighbor’s names right. You know, they people that leave birthday, Easter, and Christmas cards in our mailbox for my kids. They certainly remember their names. And their birthdays, to boot. But I’m in my era of not making myself feel bad, so we’re going to let this slide. I’m going to adopt my dad’s “this is who I am, I can’t help it,” attitude here.
Things I’m Loving Lately:
-There’s not much to say here. It’s a water bottle. It’s pretty great. It doesn’t have all of these nooks and crannies that you can’t get to and next thing you know, you’re drinking out of a bottle that’s laced with mold. Not these. They’re perfect.
-My children not only co-sleep out of pure love and attachment to one another (or maybe it’s a fear of the dark), but they also insist that I sit with them after the lights go out. It used to be that I would stay for 10-15 minutes. Now, I’m coerced into staying until they fall asleep. I hate staring at my phone in the dark, so I prefer to read a book to keep me company. This book light is great.
-Over the summer, my daughter and I like to frequent a small farm stand near our house. The owner grows beautiful wildflowers and makes the cutest bundles out of them and then sells them for $10/a piece—a deal when I consider what I’d be paying in the grocery store for the same thing. My daughter announced last year that she’d like to have her own flower stand one day. That’s been replaced with a bakery these days, but she still loves flowers. When my mom told us she was starting a flower farm in Iowa, we were instantly excited. Last week, my mom mailed this book to her and my daughter was back to wanting to have a flower stand one day. Unfortunately for her, I’m in the throes of planning our own flower and vegetable garden for this spring and this book couldn’t have come at a better time. (Mom, I promise I’ll give the book back to her, but for right now, I have so much to learn.)
Bookish Things:
-I finished editing the novel I’m going to publish this year. So much excite! The moment I was finished with my second edit, I took a break to read something else (see below). Then when it was time to go back to my book for a last proofread, I was hesitating. Something told me to just give it a little more time to breathe. So I revisited the last novel I wrote and was so glad I did. I loved it. I laughed so much and came away actually feeling like a good writer. There’s been so much growth. I’m super proud of myself. But now I’m done with the first edit of that one and I’ve found myself juggling the two. But I couldn’t be happier. Knowing two of my novels will be seeing the light of day this year is thrilling.
-Taming 7 (Boys of Tommen): I don’t know why I’m so invested in these teenagers lives. I have no reasoning for it. So I really sat down to think about this last week and I came away with this: This particular group of friends in these stories face some of the most horrendous shit you can in life—and they all fall back on one another. Some of it is hard to read, but the friendship, love, and trust the author created between this group is quite beautiful. Her character development is fantastic. You can’t help diving into each of their stories, which is what this series is all about. In the first two books alone, there was drug use, alcoholism, physical abuse, injuries, secrets, bullying, social pressure, traumatic deaths like suicide and drowning … You get the idea. These books are jam-packed with drama. And we as the reader just love peeling pack the curtain and peeking through. How can we not? We want to know how others cope or how they don’t. We can’t help but be curious about the things that scare us and make us uncomfortable.
These books have great story lines and dynamic characters. The writing isn’t always great and the mistakes can be annoying for someone like me. But as a copyeditor, I somehow breezed past them and they only bothered me for like a day. That says a lot.
“Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ‘I’m possible.” -Audrey Hepburn
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You can purchase my book, I Might Imagine Wild Things (A book of poetry) through big shops like Barnes & Noble and Amazon, but why not support independent booksellers from all over the country and purchase from them instead? Bookshop, Thriftbooks or AbeBooks are my favorites.
Your photography is beautiful